The Hobbit
by
Mikhail Ratkevich
muzozavr@gmail.com
***
THE HOBBIT
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. BILBO'S HOUSE -- DAY
NARRATOR (V.O.)
In a hole in the ground there lived
a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet
hole, filled with the ends of worms
and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry,
bare, sandy hole with nothing in it
to sit down on or to eat: it was a
hobbit-hole, and that means
comfort. This hobbit was a very
well-to-do hobbit, and his name was
Baggins. The Bagginses had lived in
the neighbourhood of The Hill for
time out of mind, and people
considered them very respectable,
not only because most of them were
rich, but also because they never
had any adventures or did anything
unexpected: you could tell what a
Baggins would say on any question
without the bother of asking him.
But the mother of this hobbit - of
Bilbo Baggins, that is - was the
fabulous Belladonna Took, head of
the hobbits who lived across The
Water. It was often said (in other
families) that long ago one of the
Took ancestors must have taken a
fairy wife. That was, of course,
absurd, but certainly there was
still something not entirely
hobbit-like about them, - and once
in a while members of the Took-clan
would go and have adventures. They
discreetly disappeared, and the
family hushed it up; but the fact
remained that the Tooks were not as
respectable as the Bagginses,
though they were undoubtedly
richer. Not that Belladonna Took
ever had any adventures after she
became Mrs. Bungo Baggins. Still it
is probable that Bilbo, her only
son, although he looked and behaved
exactly like a second edition of
his solid and comfortable father,
got something a bit queer in his
makeup from the Took side,
something that only waited for a
chance to come out. The chance
never arrived, until Bilbo Baggins
was grown up, being about fifty
years old or so, and living in the
beautiful hobbit-hole built by his
father, until he had in fact
apparently settled down immovably.
And yet this is a story of how
Bilbo Baggins had an adventure,
found himself doing and saying
things altogether unexpected. He
may have lost the neighbours'
respect, but he gained-well, you
will see whether he gained anything
in the end.
EXT. BILBO'S HOUSE -- DAY
It's a beautiful morning. Bilbo is smoking his pipe and
notices an old man with a staff walking towards him. It's
Gandalf, but Bilbo doesn't know it... yet.
BILBO
Good morning!
GANDALF
What do you mean? Do you wish me a
good morning, or mean that it is a
good morning whether I want not; or
that you feel good this morning; or
that it is morning to be good on?
BILBO
All of them at once. And a very
fine morning for a pipe of tobacco
out of doors, into the bargain. If
you have a pipe about you, sit down
and have a fill of mine! There's no
hurry, we have all the day before
us!
Bilbo blows a big smoke ring.
GANDALF
Very pretty! But I have no time to
blow smoke rings this morning. I am
looking for someone to share in an
adventure that I am arranging, and
it's very difficult to find anyone.
BILBO
I should think so - in these parts!
We are plain quiet folk and have no
use for adventures. Nasty
disturbing uncomfortable things!
Make you late for dinner! I can't
think what anybody sees in them.
Bilbo blows an even bigger smoke ring, then starts reading
morning papers, expecting the old man to walk away. When he
doesn't, Bilbo gets increasingly annoyed.
BILBO
Good morning! We don't want any
adventures here, thank you! You
might try over The Hill or across
The Water.
GANDALF
What a lot of things you do use
"Good morning" for! Now you mean
that you want to get rid of me, and
that it won't be good till I move
off.
BILBO
Not at all, not at all, my dear
sir! Let me see, I don't think I
know your name?
GANDALF
Yes, yes, my dear sir - and I do
know your name, Mr. Bilbo Baggins.
And you do know my name, though you
don't remember that I belong to it.
I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me!
To think that I should have lived
to be good-morninged by Belladonna
Took's son, as if I was selling
buttons at the door!
BILBO
Gandalf, Gandalf! Good gracious me!
Not the wandering wizard that gave
Old Took a pair of magic diamond
studs that fastened themselves and
never came undone till ordered? Not
the fellow who used to tell such
wonderful tales at parties, about
dragons and goblins and giants and
the rescue of princesses and the
unexpected luck of widows' sons?
Not the man that used to make such
particularly excellent fireworks! I
remember those! Old Took used to
have them on Midsummer's Eve.
Splendid! They used to go up like
great lilies and snapdragons and
laburnums of fire and hang in the
twilight all evening! Dear me! Not
the Gandalf who was responsible for
so many quiet lads and lasses going
off into the Blue for mad
adventures. Anything from climbing
trees to visiting Elves - or
sailing in ships, sailing to other
shores! Bless me, life used to be
quite inter-- I mean, you used to
upset things badly in these parts
once upon a time. I beg your
pardon, but I had no idea you were
still in business.
GANDALF
Where else should I be? All the
same I am pleased to find you
remember something about me. You
seem to remember my fireworks
kindly, at any rate, land that is
not without hope. Indeed for your
old grandfather Took's sake, and
for the sake of poor Belladonna, I
will give you what you asked for.
BILBO
I beg your pardon, I haven't asked
for anything!
GANDALF
Yes, you have! Twice now. My
pardon. I give it you. In fact I
will go so far as to send you on
this adventure. Very amusing for
me, very good for you and
profitable too, very likely, if you
ever get over it.
BILBO
Sorry! I don't want any adventures,
thank you. Not today. Good morning!
But please come to tea - any time
you like! Why not tomorrow? Come
tomorrow! Good bye!
Bilbo walks inside his house and shuts the door behind him,
very forcefully, but still trying to stay polite.
INT. BILBO'S HOUSE -- DAY
BILBO
What on earth did I ask him to tea
for!
One day passes.
INT. BILBO'S HOUSE -- DAY
The doorbell rings. Bilbo rushes to prepare everything
before opening the door.
BILBO
Gandalf! I forgot! I should say
sorry for such a wait!
Bilbo opens the door and is surprised to see a dwarf instead
of Gandalf.
DWALIN
Dwalin at your service!
BILBO
Bilbo Baggins at yours!
There's a long, awkward pause.
BILBO
I am just about to take tea; pray
come and have some with me.
The doorbell rings.
BILBO
Excuse me!
Bilbo wants to say "It's you at last!" to Gandalf, but finds
another dwarf after opening the door.
BALIN
I see they have begun to arrive
already. Balin at your service!
BILBO
Thank you! Come along in, and have
some tea!
BALIN
A little beer would suit me better,
if it is all the same to you, my
good sir. But I don't mind some
cake - seed-cake, if you have any.
BILBO
(surprised)
Lots!
Bilbo rushes to do everything. He returns and sets the food
on the table. The doorbell rings.
BILBO
Gandalf for certain this time.
Opening the door, Bilbo sees two more dwarves and is no
longer surprised.
BILBO
What can I do for you, my dwarves?
KILI
Kili at your service!
FILI
And Fili!
BILBO
At yours and your family's!
KILI
Dwalin and Balin here already, I
see. Let us join the throng!
Bilbo looks worried and displeased. After a short pause, the
doorbell rings loudly and forcefully.
BILBO
Someone at the door again!
FILI
Some four, I should say by the
sound. Besides, we saw them coming
along behind us in the distance.
Bilbo opens the door and sees not four, but FIVE dwarves.
DORI
Dori!
NORI
Nori!
ORI
Ori!
DORI, NORI, ORI
At your service!
BILBO
At yours and your family's!
OIN
Oin!
GLOIN
Gloin!
OIN, GLOIN
At your service!
BILBO
Bilbo Baggins, at yours and your
family's!
Everybody requests cakes, ale and porter. One dwarf requests
coffee. Bilbo is busy running around for a while.
Someone knocks upon the door very loudly. Bilbo angrily
rushes and opens it. Four dwarves fall in, one over another.
Gandalf is standing behind them, leaning on his staff and
laughing softly.
GANDALF
Carefully! Carefully! It is not
like you, Bilbo, to keep friends
waiting on the mat, and then open
the door like a pop-gun! Let me
introduce Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, and
especially Thorin!
BIFUR, BOFUR, BOMBUR
At your service!
Thorin is grumpy because fat Bombur fell over him. Bilbo
apologizes multiple times.
BILBO
I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do
that!
THORIN
Pray don't mention it.
GANDALF
Now we are all here! Quite a merry
gathering! I hope there is
something left for the late-comers
to eat and drink! What's that? Tea!
No thank you! A little red wine, I
think for me.
THORIN
And for me.
BIFUR
And raspberry jam and apple-tart.
BOFUR
And mince-pies and cheese.
BOMBUR
And pork-pie and salad.
OTHER DWARVES
And more cakes - and ale - and
coffee, if you don't mind.
GANDALF
Put on a few eggs, there's a good
fellow! And just bring out the cold
chicken and pickles!
Bilbo rushes to prepare everything.
BILBO (V.O.)
Seems to know as much about the
inside of my larders as I do
myself!
Bilbo pauses for a moment when he is especially tired.
BILBO
Confusticate and bebother these
dwarves! Why don't they come and
lend a hand?
The dwarves immediately appear and help Bilbo to bring the
food to the table. Then everyone eats.
BILBO
(exceedingly politely)
I suppose you will all stay to
supper?
THORIN
Of course! And after. We shan't get
through the business till late, and
we must have some music first. Now
to clear up!
TWELVE DWARVES
(singing)
Chip the glasses and crack the
plates!
Blunt the knives and bend the
forks!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates -
Smash the bottles and burn the
corks!
Cut the cloth and tread on the fat!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
Splash the wine on every door!
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
And when you've finished, if any
are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
So, carefully! carefully with the
plates!
The dwarves clean everything safely and quickly. Bilbo keeps
stammering things like "please be careful!" and "please,
don't trouble! I can manage." throughout the song.
THORIN
Now for some real music! Bring out
the instruments!
The dwarves bring all kinds of instruments, including
Thorin's golden harp, and start singing. As soon as they do
so, Bilbo's eyes light up with wonder. He is enchanted.
ALL DWARVES
The dwarves of yore made mighty
spells,
While hammers fell like ringing
bells
For ancient king in twisted wire
They meshed the light of moon and
sun.
Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To claim our long-forgotten gold.
The pines were roaring on the
height,
The winds were moaning in the
night.
The fire was red, it flaming
spread;
The trees like torches blazed with
light.
The mountain smoked beneath the
moon;
The dwarves, they heard the tramp
of doom.
They fled their hall to dying fall
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.
The bells were ringing in the dale
And men looked up with faces pale;
The dragon's ire more fierce than
fire
Laid low their towers and houses
frail
Far over the misty mountains grim
To dungeons deep and caverns dim
We must away, ere break of day,
To win our harps and gold from him!
Bilbo looks out the window and notices some flame. That
reminds him of the dragon, scares him and makes him a more
"normal" Baggins once again. He wants to bring a lamp.
THORIN
Where are you going?
BILBO
What about a little light?
DWARVES
We like the dark. Dark for dark
business! There are many hours
before dawn.
BILBO
Of course!
Biblo tries to sit down, but misses the stool in the dark.
He falls and makes a lot of noise in the process.
GANDALF
Hush! Let Thorin speak!
THORIN
Gandalf, dwarves and Mr. Baggins!
We are met together in the house of
our friend and fellow conspirator,
this most excellent and audacious
hobbit - may the hair on his toes
never fall out! all praise to his
wine and ale! (beat) We are met to
discuss our plans, our ways, means,
policy and devices. We shall soon
before the break of day start on
our long journey, a journey from
which some of us, or perhaps all of
us - except our friend and
counsellor, the ingenious wizard
Gandalf - may never return. It is a
solemn moment. Our object is, I
take it, well known to us all. To
the estimable Mr. Baggins, and
perhaps to one or two of the
younger dwarves - I think I should
be right in naming Kili and Fili,
for instance, - the exact situation
at the moment may require a little
brief explanation--
Bilbo shrieks, startling everyone.
BILBO
Struck by lightning, struck by
lightning, struck by lightning,
struck by--
Bilbo is carried over to another room.
GANDALF
Excitable little fellow. Gets funny
queer fits, but he is one of the
best, one of the best - as fierce
as a dragon in a pinch.
GLOIN
Humph! Will he do, do you think? It
is all very well for Gandalf to
talk about this hobbit being
fierce, but one shriek like that in
a moment of excitement would be
enough to wake the dragon and all
his relatives and kill the lot of
us. I think it sounded more like
fright than excitement! In fact, if
it had not been for the sign of the
door, I should have been sure we
had come to the wrong house. As
soon as I clapped eyes on the
little fellow bobbing and puffing
on the mat, I had my doubts. He
looks more like a grocer than a
burglar!
BILBO
(walking in)
Pardon me, if I have overheard
words that you were saying. I don't
pretend to understand what you are
talking about or your reference to
burglars, but I think I am right in
believing that you think I am no
good. I will show you. I have no
signs on my door - it was painted a
week ago, and I am quite sure you
have come to the wrong house. As
soon as I saw your funny faces on
the doorstep, I had my doubts. But
treat it as the right one. Tell me
what you want done, and I will try
it, if I have to walk from here to
the East of East and fight the wild
Wereworms in the Last Desert. I had
a great-great-great-granduncle
once, Bullroarer Took, and--
GLOIN
Yes, yes, but that was long ago. I
was talking about you. And I assure
you there is a mark on this door -
the usual one in the trade, or used
to be. Burglar wants a good job,
plenty of Excitement and reasonable
Reward, that's how it is usually
read. You can say Expert Treasure
Hunter instead of Burglar if you
like. Some of them do. It's all the
same to us. Gandalf told us that
there was a man of the sort in
these parts looking for a Job at
once, and that he had arranged for
a meeting here this Wednesday
tea-time.
GANDALF
Of course there is a mark, I put it
there myself. For very good
reasons. You asked me to find the
fourteenth man for your expedition,
and I chose Mr. Baggins. Just let
any one say I chose the wrong man
or the wrong house, and you can
stop at thirteen and have all the
bad luck you like, or go back to
digging coal.
Gloin wants to say something, but Gandalf gives him a scowl
and shuts him up. Bilbo also wants to stammer something, but
Gandalf frowns at him and shuts up Bilbo, too.
GANDALF
That's right. Let's have no more
argument. I have chosen Mr. Baggins
that that ought to be enough for
all of you. If I say he is a
Burglar, a Burglar he is, or will
be when the time comes. There is a
lot more in him than you guess, and
a deal more than he has any idea of
himself. You may - possibly - all
live to thank me yet. Now Bilbo, my
boy, fetch the lamp, and let's have
a little light on this!
Bilbo brings a lamp. Gandalf shows everyone an old map. The
dwarves are immediately excited to see it.
GANDALF
This was made by Thror, your
grandfather, Thorin. It is a plan
of the Mountain.
THORIN
I don't see that this will help us
much. I remember the Mountain well
enough and the lands about it. And
I know where Mirkwood is, and the
Withered Heath where the great
dragons bred.
BALIN
There is a dragon marked in red on
the Mountain, but it will be easy
enough to find him without that, if
ever we arrive there.
GANDALF
There is one point that you haven't
noticed, and that is the secret
entrance. You see that rune on the
West side, and the hand pointing to
it from the other runes? That marks
a hidden passage to the Lower
Halls.
THORIN
It may have been secret once, but
how do we know that it is secret
any longer? Old Smaug has lived
there long enough now to find out
anything there is to know about
those caves.
GANDALF
He may - but he can't have used it
for years and years.
THORIN
Why?
GANDALF
Because it is too small. "Five feet
high the door and three may walk
abreast" say the runes, but Smaug
could not creep into a hole that
size, not even when he was a young
dragon, certainly not after
devouring so many of the dwarves
and men of Dale.
BILBO
It seems a great big hole to me.
How could such a large door be kept
secret from everybody outside,
apart from the dragon?
GANDALF
In lots of ways. But in what way
this one has been hidden we don't
know without going to see. From
what it says on the map I should
guess there is a closed door which
has been made to look exactly like
the side of the Mountain. That is
the usual dwarves' method - I think
that is right, isn't it?
THORIN
Quite right.
GANDALF
Also, I forgot to mention that with
the map went a key, a small and
curious key. Here it is! Keep it
safe!
THORIN
Indeed I will. Now things begin to
look more hopeful. This news alters
them much for the better. So far we
have had no clear idea what to do.
We thought of going East, as quiet
and careful as we could, as far as
the Long Lake. After that the
trouble would begin--
GANDALF
A long time before that, if I know
anything about the roads East.
THORIN
--we might go from there up along
the River Running, and so to the
ruins of Dale - the old town in the
valley there, under the shadow of
the Mountain. But we none of us
liked the idea of the Front Gate.
The river runs right out of it
through the great cliff at the
South of the Mountain, and out of
it comes the dragon too - far too
often, unless he has changed.
GANDALF
That would be no good, not without
a mighty Warrior, even a Hero. I
tried to find one; but warriors are
busy fighting one another in
distant lands, and in this
neighbourhood heroes are scarce, or
simply not to be found. Swords in
these parts are mostly blunt, and
axes are used for trees, and
shields as cradles or dish-covers;
and dragons are comfortably far-off
and, therefore, legendary. That is
why I settled on burglary -
especially when I remembered the
existence of a Side-door. And here
is our little Bilbo Baggins, the
burglar, the chosen and selected
burglar. So now let's get on and
make some plans.
THORIN
Very well then, supposing the
burglar-expert gives us some ideas
or suggestions.
BILBO
First I should like to know a bit
more about things. I mean about the
gold and the dragon, and all that,
and how it got there, and who it
belongs to, and so on and further.
THORIN
Bless me! Haven't you got a map?
And didn't you hear our song? And
haven't we been talking about all
this for hours?
BILBO
All the same, I should like it all
plain and clear. Also I should like
to know about risks, out-of-pocket
expenses, time required and
remuneration, and so forth.
THORIN
O very well. This Mountain on the
map had been discovered by my far
ancestor, Thrain the Old, but it
was my grandfather Thror that
really made our family mine and
tunnel, build halls and workshops,
find gold and jewels. We grew
immensely rich and famous. My
grandfather was King under the
Mountain. Mortal men treated him
with great reverence. Kings used to
send for our smiths, and reward
even the least skilful most richly.
Fathers would beg us to take their
sons as apprentices, and pay us
handsomely, especially in food
supplies, which we never bothered
to grow or find for ourselves.
Altogether those were good days for
us, and the poorest of us had money
to spend and to lend, and leisure
to make marvellous, magical toys
and beautiful things just for the
fun of it. So my grandfather's
halls became full of armor and
jewels and carvings and cups, and
the toy-market of Dale was the
wonder of the North. Undoubtedly
that was what brought the dragon.
Dragons steal gold and jewels from
wherever they can find them; and
they guard their plunder jealously
as long as they live - which is
practically forever, unless they
are killed, - and never enjoy a
brass ring of it. Indeed they
hardly know a good bit of work from
a bad, and they can't make a thing
for themselves, not even mend a
little loose scale of their armour.
There were lots of dragons in the
North in those days, but one was
most specially greedy, strong and
wicked - Smaug. The first we heard
of it was a noise like a hurricane
coming from the North, and the
pine-trees on the Mountain creaking
and cracking in the wind. Some of
the dwarves who happened to be
outside - I was one luckily and it
saved my life that day - we saw the
dragon settle on our mountain in a
spout of flame. Then he came down
the slopes and when he reached the
woods they all went up in fire. By
that time the bells of Dale were
ringing and the warriors arming.
The dwarves rushed out of the great
gate; but there was the dragon
waiting for them. None escaped that
way. The river rushed up in steam
and a fog fell on Dale, and in the
fog the dragon came on them and
destroyed most of the warriors -
the usual unhappy story, it was
only too common in those days. Then
he went back and crept in through
the Front Gate and routed out all
the halls, and lanes, and tunnels,
alleys, cellars, mansions and
passages. After that there were no
dwarves left alive inside, and he
took all their wealth for himself.
Later he used to crawl out of the
gate and come by night to Dale, and
carry away people, especially
maidens, to eat, until Dale was
ruined and all the people dead or
gone. What goes on there now I
don't know for certain, but I don't
suppose anyone lives nearer to the
Mountain than the far edge of the
Long Lake nowadays. The few of us
that were well outside sat and wept
in hiding, and cursed Smaug; and
there we were unexpectedly joined
by my father and my grandfather
with singed beards. They looked
very grim and said very little.
When I asked how they had got away,
they told me to hold my tongue, and
said that one day I should know. We
went away, and we have had to earn
our livings up and down the lands,
often sinking as low as blacksmith
work or even coalmining. But we
have never forgotten our stolen
treasure. Even now, when we are not
so badly off, we still mean to get
it back, and to bring our curses
home to Smaug - if we can. I have
often wondered about my father's
and my grandfather's escape. I see
now they must have had a private
Side-door which only they knew
about. But apparently they made a
map, and I should like to know how
Gandalf got hold of it, and why it
did not come down to me, the
rightful heir.
GANDALF
I did not "get hold of it", I was
given it. Your father gave me this
to give to you; and if I have
chosen my own time and way for
handing it over you can hardly
blame me, considering the trouble I
had to find you. Your father could
not remember his own name when he
gave me the paper, and he never
told me yours; so on the whole I
think I ought to be praised and
thanked. Here it is.
THORIN
I don't understand.
GANDALF
Your grandfather gave the map to
his son for safety before he went
to the mines of Moria. Your father
went away to try his luck with the
map after your grandfather was
killed; and lots of adventures of a
most unpleasant sort he had, but he
never got near the Mountain. How he
got there I don't know, but I found
him a prisoner in the dungeons of
the Necromancer.
THORIN
Whatever were you doing there?
GANDALF
Never you mind. I was finding
things out, as usual; and a nasty
dangerous business it was. Even I,
Gandalf, only just escaped. I tried
to save your father, but it was too
late. He was witless and wandering,
and had forgotten almost everything
except the map and the key.
THORIN
We have long ago paid the goblins
of Moria, we must give a thought to
the Necromancer.
GANDALF
Don't be absurd! He is an enemy
quite beyond the powers of all the
dwarves put together, if they could
all be collected again from the
four corners of the world. The one
thing your father wished was for
his son to read the map and use the
key. The dragon and the Mountain
are more than big enough tasks for
you!
BILBO
Hear, hear!
DWARVES
Hear what?
BILBO
(flustered)
Hear what I've got to say!
DWARVES
What's that?
BILBO
Well, I should say that you ought
to go East and have a look round.
After all there is the Side-door,
and dragons must sleep sometimes, I
suppose. If you sit on the doorstep
long enough, I daresay you will
think of something. And well, don't
you know, I think we have talked
long enough for one night, if you
see what I mean. What about bed,
and an early start, and all that? I
will give you a good breakfast
before you go.
THORIN
Before we go, I suppose you mean.
Aren't you the burglar? And isn't
sitting on the doorstep your job,
not to speak of getting inside the
door? But I agree about bed and
breakfast. I like six eggs with my
ham, when starting on a journey:
fried not poached, and mind you
don't break 'em.
All the dwarves order breakfasts and Bilbo does so. MONTAGE
to show how Bilbo finds rooms for everyone to sleep. After
that, Bilbo himself goes to bed.
THORIN
(humming to himself)
Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To seek the pale enchanted gold.
Bilbo overhears him and falls into an uneasy sleep.